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••• November 2019 Issue •••

Blow that Whistle.

This White House breathes chaos. They’re like one of those Vaudevillian plate spinners who isn’t happy until all the plates come crashing down to the ground. The attraction consists of the cast kicking through the detritus, which is always loud and cacophonous.

 

But even given that standard, the current state of disarray is breathtaking. Staffers are quitting, subpoenas are being issued; terms like “treason” and “civil war” are being bandied about. This is more than your run of the mill ordinary pandemonium; this is super- exceptional pandemonium, like a monkey in a tuxedo juggling bayonets. On a unicycle. In hell.

 

This latest chapter in mayhem and bedlam occurred in the wake of a whistle blower coming forward to claim Donald Trump attempted to shake down a foreign leader to interfere on his behalf in the next election, which is so illegal, even Vladimir Putin was impressed.

 

Holding hostage an arms shipment that Congress had already approved, the President first asked a favor of Vlodomyr Zelensky, the Ukrainian president; not- so- slyly intimating the arms would be released only if the Ukrainians were able to dig up some dirt with an investigation of Joe Biden’s son, Hunter. And Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, Kamala Harris: whoever you got. Marianne Williamson, not so much.

 

Trump also threatened to keep Vice President Pence from making a state visit unless ball was played, which is a weird form of intimidation. Keeping Mike Pence from coming to your country doesn’t sound very menacing. More like a reward. As a matter of fact, next time the stable genius might want to promise Rudy Giuliani and William Barr would stay equally far away. Might provide more leverage.

 

Despite previous confusion, Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo, was listening in on the very phone call, records of which were diverted to a super secret server that stores other calls and documents that make the president look bad. So, it must be one hell of a server. Maybe a warehouse in Bethesda?

 

The president responded by saying the whistleblower was like a spy, and in the old days, they knew how to deal with spies. Suggesting we execute witnesses to his crimes; isn’t that an impeachable offense as well? He’s stacking ‘em up like 747s circling O’Hare after a surprise blizzard the day before Thanksgiving.

 

Trump doesn’t deny the call with Zelensky and released a transcript maintaining that the conversation was “perfect and beautiful.” And because we’ve gone through this process for 33 months, we all know how the rest is going to play out. He’ll say even if he did it, many people are saying there was nothing wrong with it. There will be stonewalling. He’ll say plenty of other people did the same thing, especially Obama.

 

He’ll increasingly attack the accuser, threaten lawsuits and call the scandal just another partisan witch- hunt, which further exemplifies the larger conspiracy against he, the best president in the history of ever. And during all these predictable machinations, he’ll continue to distract the public by offering up other tantalizing morsels for public and media consumption.

 

Maybe he’ll finally release his tax returns or leak photos from the night he spent with Stormy Daniels or start a war. But we all know how it’ll turn out. He’ll blame Hillary. And then break more plates.

 

Copyright © 2019, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former assistant manager at a Radio Shack. For past columns, commentaries and a calendar of personal appearances, please visit willdurst.com

 

••• October 2019 Issue •••

 

Football Debate.

Got an embarrassing admission here. Was scheduled to summarize the Democratic candidates debate last week but also had a deadline about the opening of the football season, and they kind of got mixed up together. Don’t you hate it when two things vie for your attention at the same time? Must be what’s making Donald Trump so irascible.

 

Of course, when you get right down to it, the two do have quite a bit in common. Both politics and football are sports that don’t finish until there’s blood on the field. You cannot comment on either one without your trusty basket of clichés. And the losers are forgotten as soon as the contest is over. If not before. So apologies all around and here goes.

 

Joe Biden. This crafty veteran comes to play every day and always gives 110% but you can’t help but suspect some of those unforced errors early in the season are going to come back to haunt him.

 

Elizabeth Warren. Everyone knows she always brings her “A” game and is making plays on both sides of the ball, but now it’s gut- check time and she needs to put the rock in the house.

 

Bernie Sanders. Not only does he believe that winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing, but also, that louder is better. This old war- horse has been there before and knows what to do; the question is does he still have what it takes?

 

Beto O’Rourke. He comes to play every day, dealing with one debate at a time, proving to all the fans in the stands that he can play with the big boys. And girls. Or will he toss his long- shot personal ambition aside and take one for the team?

 

Andrew Yang. He matches up well with the Democratic message and talks a good game, but now its time to punch it in. The only worry is whether his giveaway strategy will help or hurt over the course of a grueling schedule.

 

Pete Buttigieg. His back is up against the wall with lousy field position and is looking at 4th and forever, so it might be Hail Mary Time.

 

Kamala Harris. The momentum may have shifted, but she has proven over a long career that she won’t be denied, as we saw when she threw her game plan out the window to concentrate on running it right up the middle and is knocking on the door.

 

Amy Klobuchar. It’s a game of field position and she’s got some room to operate but at the end of the day, it all comes down to who can score the most points and how bad she wants to run to daylight.

 

Cory Booker. You can’t stop him; all you can hope to do is contain him. He doesn’t know the meaning of the word “quit.” Other words he’s unfamiliar with are “victory,” “triumph” and “harpsichord.”

 

Julian Castro. With his back up against the wall, he left it all on the debate stage, never pulls his punches and demonstrated he believes the best offense is a good offense.

 

But don’t any of them relax, because Tom Steyer has shaken off plenty of would- be- tacklers, isn’t running out of money any time soon and appears to be en fuego. Its obvious the man came to play.

 

Copyright © 2019, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former snowmobile race attendant in Hurley Wisconsin. For past columns, commentaries and a calendar of personal appearances, please visit willdurst. com.

 

••• Summer 2019 Issue •••

Battle of the DC Network Stars

The ongoing warfare between Omarosa Manigault- Newman and President Donald Trump is more scarily delicious than an underbaked blueberry muffin covered in strawberry marshmallow sauce and wasabi sprinkles. This DC Battle of the Network Stars is escalating into mouth- to- mouth combat between the Master of Sleazy Opportunism and his star pupil. “Take the pebble from my hand, grasshopper. Hey, put the knife down. Oww.”

 

Working with the Donald for 10 years and being fired 4 times by him has certainly taught the lady a thing or two. She’s the Frankenstein monster that he and reality television created. An intern who perfected the same kind of oblivious character assassination and complete lack of moral integrity as the Aerodynamic Coif himself. She has out- trumped Trump. He must be so proud.

 

After she revealed secretly recorded conversations including her own firing in the Situation Room, the president called Omarosa a lowlife and a dog. Live by the scheming treachery, die by the scheming treachery. All this is detailed in her book about her time with the president, with the understated title of “Unhinged.” The next book will be called “Crackers and Nuts.”

 

Trump’s lawyers contend she signed a non- disclosure agreement and have threatened to sue. But legal scholars argue she didn’t work for him, she worked for the American people and NDAs are not applicable or enforceable. And considering the multitudes of officials who’ve already left, negative books are going to rain down on this administration like an avalanche of righteous bile. When Dorothy was in Oz and said “people come and go so quickly here,” she might have been talking about the 45th POTUS’s White House.

 

The New York Times reports Ms. Manigault- Newman may have 200 other tapes and claims to be able to get her hands on the legendary recording of the New York City real estate developer casually tossing around the N’ word on the set of “The Apprentice.” Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders said she can’t guarantee there’s not a tape of Trump using racial slurs. And when SHS starts distancing herself from the boss, it’s time to hunker down deep enough to feel the heat of hell on your backside.

 

America doesn’t need a secret tape to tell us that Trump is a racist. His birther stance, statements after Charlottesville and lifetime of actions are proof of that. Then again, even if a tape does surface, his supporters wouldn’t care. They’d rationalize that its okay for him to use the N’ word because he was just quoting rap lyrics. “Eddie Murphy made a career out of it.”

 

Trump distracted non- stop coverage of his former aide’s charges by stripping former CIA Director John Brennan of his security clearance and the Washington Post reports he has plans to cancel the clearances of other critics to distract the media during unfavorable news cycles. So, in the next year, expect approximately 365 security clearances to be revoked.

 

But the prospect of further White House recordings has staffers trembling like a hyperactive weasel with eczema sliding down a ski jump. They routinely hear so much horrible stuff at work, who can be entirely positive they didn’t pull a Billy Bush and sycophantically agree with something absolutely dreadful said by someone else? Trump’s best people best be terrified.

 

Copyright © 2019, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former snowmobile race attendant in Hurley Wisconsin. For past columns, commentaries and a calendar of personal appearances, please visit willdurst. com.

 

••• July 2019 Issue •••

 

THE SPHINX SPEAKS.

 

Breaking his two- year vow of silence, Special Counsel, professional Boy Scout and part time monk, Robert S. Mueller III, took time from his busy schedule of transitioning to the public sector and spoke to the country for almost ten whole minutes. And we were honored.

 

Part of the thrill is to finally know what the man sounds like, as this was the first time he’s spoken to the press since his appointment. Too bad we can’t say the same thing about the major subject of his investigation.

 

It’s pretty obvious the hastily arranged press conference was designed to keep Democrats from calling Mueller to testify on Capital Hill about his investigation. He just wanted to remind, we the people, of the report’s salient points. And the fact that the Attorney General, William Barr was out of town, probably didn’t hurt.

 

Mueller knows that most of America would rather dive into a piranha tank wearing a raw meat bathing suit than slog through the 448 pages of his investigative gobbledy- gook so he grasped this opportunity to give the world the Reader’s Digest Condensed Version, highlighting the sticky bits.

 

He maintains the report is his testimony and there is nothing else to add, at all, ever. In other words, he asks the questions pard’ner, he don’t answer them. Which is fine, because Bob Mueller is not the most colorful speaker in the world. The man is so dry, when he talks, little puffs of dust fly out of his mouth.

 

It was never a fair fight. Robert Mueller is the ultimate ‘by the book’ guy who believes in playing by the rules. Whereas Donald Trump believes the rules are meant to be broken and has never read a book.

 

A particular phrase from the report was emphasized, “if we had confidence the president didn’t commit a crime we would have said so.” Boom, there it is. The essence of the whole thing condensed to a single line. Too complicated for you? He said if they thought the president was innocent, they would have said so. But they didn’t say so. Ergo…

 

He also said Donald Trump’s conduct warrants an investigation, which he wasn’t able to do, because of a justice department policy that prohibits charging a sitting president with a crime. If he could have, he would have, but he couldn’t, so he didn’t and there you go Congress. No pressure.

 

They’re still deciding whether to subpoena Mueller to testify in front of Congress but the former FBI Director’s desire to sit in front of a doubly hostile crowd of half angry Democrats and half angry Trumpsters appears to be between zero and you- got- to- be- freaking- kidding.

 

Mueller doesn’t want to testify. The Attorney General refuses to co-operate. Nobody from the administration is turning over requested documents. The White House is expanding executive privilege to pizza delivery orders. Congressional Democrats must be developing a complex.

 

Responding to the sideshow, the president tweeted “I had nothing to do with the Russians helping me win the election.” Oops. Then he said that wasn’t what he meant and people are picking on his every word. Well, yeah. You’re the guy in charge. Every word matters. Perhaps this is just one more reason why, traditionally, the presidency has not been an entry- level position.

 

Copyright © 2019, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former snowmobile race attendant in Hurley Wisconsin. For past columns, commentaries and a calendar of personal appearances, please visit willdurst. com.

 

 

••• June Issue •••

Newer News

One thing you got to give him, the Oval Office occupant knows his way around a misdirection. Every day the magnificent media magician manages to conjure up some wacky stunt, verbal flub or piece of shocking news designed to distract the spotlight from his staggering pile of emerging scandals in the manner of sawing a lady lobbyist in half in the front glass lobby of a children’s library.

 

A partial chronicle of his repertoire consists of name- calling, fact- mangling, verbal burps, Russian hugs and making stuff up while denying stuff that everyone agrees on. Accompanied by loud crashes, bright flashes and “Breaking News” slashes, syncopated to the drumbeat of that sound that hypnotizes him, his own name “Trump… Trump… Trump.”

 

Standing next to the Japanese Prime Minister, the President of the United States praised North Korea’s Beloved Leader Kim Jong Un for sharing his opinion that a possible rival to his second term, Joe Biden, was a low I.Q. individual. He tweeted the same thing and misspelled the Democrat’s name as Bidan. It would be funny if only it weren’t.

 

Earlier he walked out of a Congressional meeting on infrastructure with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer because the Speaker had the temerity to suggest he was engaged in a cover- up. This precipitated a reaction that many referred to as “over the top.” And over the top for him involves a lunar landing.

 

“Cover- up” hardy sounds antagonistic considering he’s been accused of obstructing justice, being an agent of a foreign power and a man who puts kids in cages. Maybe he thought it was a swipe at his hair.

 

In response, Trump again called himself “an extremely stable genius”, this time forcing staffers to line- up and describe how stable he was, out loud, in front of cameras, or else. Which on the creepy scale registered in the high teens. Made walking the last mile look like a skipping stroll to an ice cream truck.

 

The man is an absolute expert at throwing bright shiny objects, which the press and public chase after like Golden Retrievers lunging for steak- flavored Frisbees. So, what else can we expect to divert us from the various investigations, subpoenas and jailed advisors that will soon be targeting him? Glad you asked.

 

Next…

 

He’ll get the Secret Service to round up all the dismantled Confederate statues and reassemble them on the South Lawn.

 

Melania will contemplate another nude photo shoot.

 

Kellyanne Conway and her husband will get into a fight and throw a lamp that sails over the South Portico while Donald is holding a press conference in the Rose Garden.

 

Puerto Rico will be sold to a Russian oligarch giving residents 4 months to get out. But not here.

 

McDonalds builds a personal private franchise in the basement of the West Wing.

 

For a third time he will announce he wants to form a cyber- security task force with Russia.

 

Eric Trump will quit whatever he does in the White House and go back to college.

 

Donald Trump will announce his A1C diabetes results are off the charts. The highest of any human in the history of being alive.

 

He’ll start a war with Iran.

 

And finally, he’ll scrap the plan to put Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill and replace her with Ivanka.

 

Copyright © 2019, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former snowmobile race attendant in Hurley Wisconsin. For past columns, commentaries and a calendar of personal appearances, please visit willdurst. com.

 

••• May 2019 Issue •••

The Report From Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation.

 

 

The eagerly awaited Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation was finally released and cleared up the situation like a forty- pound dirtball dropped from the roof of a ten- story penthouse. Into a child’s wading pool. With children in it. Imaginary children, of course.

 

The report was 448 pages long, only 52 short of a ream. Although both President Donald Trump and the Democratic Congress must be feeling like the full weight of a ream is banging them in the head. He, for what it said, and they, for what it didn’t.

 

As surprising as a 420 run on ranch Doritos, the release turns out to be as different from Attorney- General William Barr’s 4 page summary of the Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation as baby salamanders are from nuclear powered submarine biological waste disposal canisters.

 

At least the parts that weren’t redacted. Those little black bars covered about a tenth of the Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation. Barr’s bars. Barr’s barren bars. Which barely barred us from seeing what the bard of special counsels wanted bared.

 

Official Lapdog Barr’s yapping misdirection before the public unveiling of the Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation was hard to hear due to the clicking of his toenails on the linoleum. The drool was also distracting. Records for gratuitous sycophancy have been shattered. This is what was expected from Jeff Sessions. Rudy Giuliani must be green with envy.

 

A less redacted version of the Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation will be available to a limited number of members of Congress. The apparent goal is to give each and every American citizen their own version of the Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation with individual redactions. Here’s hoping there’s a rainbow of stripes to go with the black bars.

 

The Attorney- General said the Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation totally exonerated the president pretending the account didn’t include “While this report cannot conclude that the President committed a crime, it also cannot exonerate him.” Which is as far from exoneration as can be accomplished using the English language.

 

Barr went on to echo “no obstruction” approximately 7,000 times when actually the Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation says, and this is a direct quote: “If we had confidence after a thorough investigation of the facts that the president clearly did not commit obstruction of justice, we would so state.” But so state, they do not.

 

In other words, if they thought he didn’t do it, they’d tell us. But they’re not telling us. Which might lead a normal person to conclude that the Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation is saying the opposite. In it’s own sly way.

 

The Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation described Moscow’s attempts to undermine Hillary Clinton’s candidacy as “sweeping and systemic.” And as everyone knows, Russia only helps Russia.

 

The Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation also referenced the justice department’s policy not to prosecute a sitting president but mentioned that Congress could, or just wait till he’s not president anymore.

 

It’s almost like the Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation proposed trying one or the other. Forcing democrats to ask themselves the tough question: “why not both?”

 

Copyright © 2019, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former snowmobile race attendant in Hurley Wisconsin. For past columns, commentaries and a calendar of personal appearances, please visit willdurst. com.

 

••• April 2019 Issue •••

RICH IS AS RICH DOES.

 

Stop the presses. Hold the phone. Call the queen. Ring a bell. Do the math. Cut the cheese. Bring the hurt. Mind the gap. Get a clue. Catch a break. Hook me up. Cancel lunch. Aid and abet. Alert the media. Blow the shofar.

 

The cause of all this consternation? Evidence has emerged that rich people use their money to access privileges that poor folks can’t afford. I know, right? What next: the Pacific Ocean is moist? Plumbers are expensive? Landlords opposed to rent control? Couch cushions in suburban Midwestern basements soiled with beer stains?

 

This isn’t just about being able to travel to exotic destinations at a moment’s notice or having decent health care on call or buying in bulk at Costco. This is the dark underbelly of people who never need to glance at the right side of the menu or steal Kleenex from the hotel room or hold up the grocery store lines sifting through coupons.

 

After conducting Operation Varsity Blues, the FBI arrested 33 rich parents accused of trying to buy their kids’ admission to prestigious universities through nefarious means: having ringers take SAT tests in their stead. Claiming students were disabled, and while retaking the test, proctors would slip them answers. Other families pretended students were upper level athletes going so far as to Photoshop heads onto team pictures. Hopefully, not football.

 

This was done in lieu of earning a slot to matriculate the old- fashioned way: by bribing schools with hefty financial incentives; the traditional and tax- deductible method that Jared Kushner’s father implemented by donating 2.5 million dollars to Harvard. Of course Jared did learn important lessons such as how to marry into a richer family. Or at least what he thought was a richer family.

Colleges involved announced internal investigations destined to get to the bottom of things somewhere near the turn of the next century. The scheme unraveled when admissions consultant William Rick Singer, who said he built a “side door” to get into the best colleges, cooperated with the investigation in return for immunity. No honor amongst the rich. BSOC: Big Snitch on Campus.

 

A couple of famous actresses were rounded up in the sting, and both lost work in the ensuing publicity, though maybe they can play themselves in the Hallmark Channel Movie of the Week about the College Admissions Scandal. Of course it would need to be a Christmas special.

 

Lori Laughlin paid $500,000 to get her two wee bairn into USC pretending they were crew athletes. That’s 250k apiece. How cluelessly entitled were these girls? One daughter went on Instagram and posted a video “I want the experience of, like, game days, partying…I don’t really care about school, as you guys all know.” Not sure what her grades were, but sounds like she couldn’t spell GPA it if you spotted her the G and the P.

 

And now the inevitable deluge of civil lawsuits begins. One student is suing because she couldn’t get into USC and had to settle for Stanford. A Bay Area teacher, Jennifer Kay Toy, whose only son had a 4.2 GPA and couldn’t get into his school of choice, is suing for 500 billion dollars. With a b. This single mother obviously went to a good school. And majored in fantasy. Probably a graduate of Trump University. Dean’s List.

 

Copyright © 2019, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former snowmobile race attendant in Hurley Wisconsin. For past columns, commentaries and a calendar of personal appearances, please visit willdurst. com.

 

••• March 2019 Issue •••

PEACHES: THE WALL.

President Donald Trump loves him some wall. Not the wall of corruption he’s surrounded himself with. Not that karmic wall of wasting all his political capital sucking up to superstitious xenophobes. Nor the huge self- erected wall that keeps him from learning or uttering or even caring about the truth. No, not those thick as a brick walls.

 

We’re talking about his obsession with a physical structure on our Southern border. Which he’s variously described as being “big and beautiful, see- through, transparent, steel slats, concrete, fences, barriers, whatever you want to call it, you can call it Peaches.” So Peaches, it is.

 

Resolving a 35- day government shutdown, he agreed to a congressional compromise that gives him less money for Peaches than they agreed to back in December, before he got chastised by Fox News. They don’t call him Mister Art of the Deal for nothing.

 

In response he declared a national emergency and wants to take money from other programs to build Peaches. Or does he? He knows this maneuver will put reluctant GOP senators on record and be challenged in the courts. And he’s already set himself up to lose by announcing he didn’t have to do this now, he could have waited. Which seriously questions the “emergency” part of national emergency.

 

The dirty little secret is he doesn’t actually want Peaches. He just gets a kick out of talking about her. To goose his base into roaring and cheering while demonizing people who don’t look like them. To get liberals so red in the face they make ripe tomatoes look pale pink covered in talcum.

 

Recently the president switched from having rallies chant “Build the Wall,” to “Finish the Wall,” as if he already started construction. Which is like a naked guy asking for alterations to the cuffs of the suit he isn’t wearing and doesn’t own. Adding another chapter to that whole Emperor’s New Clothes analogy. Only true supporters can see his kingly robes.

 

It doesn’t make any sense. Riling up Texas ranchers by invoking eminent domain. Slashing pet projects of the military. Besides, exactly how does he plan to build a 1952 mile- long wall on the Mexican border without using Mexican labor? Is he going to draft housewives from La Jolla? “Marilyn, hand me that masonry trowel.”

 

And why does he need Congress to give him money? Whatever happened to Mexico paying for Peaches? Are we supposed to just forget about that? Perhaps he was kidding. He didn’t mean it. Or was it a figurative “paying for it?” He should build Peaches around his refrigerator. Or between his hands so he can’t tweet.

 

Doesn’t matter that undocumented immigrants commit less crimes than native- born Americans. Pay no attention to the studies that say crime in cities with larger amounts of undocumenteds is less than other cities. These aren’t facts, they’re fake news.

 

“But they’re taking all our jobs.” Dude, if you’re losing your job to someone with a 5th grade education, who doesn’t speak English, maybe immigration isn’t your biggest problem.

 

He certainly is right on one point. This country is experiencing a state of affairs that requires quick and decisive action. As that self- described American patriot Ann Coulter said after his announcement, “The only national emergency is the president is an idiot.”

 

Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed journalist and stand up comedian. For info about his new one- man show “Durst Case Scenario” and other fal-de- rol, visit willdurst.com.

 

••• February 2019 Issue •••

After XMAS Gift Wish List

 

Way past time to congratulate the baby Jesus on the anniversary of his birth but especially for blessedly ending all those annoying unending ads for the Christmas sales only to be replaced by all those annoying unending ads for the after- Christmas sales. A major difference being- much fewer jingle bells on the soundtracks.

 

It’s also a relief to have the traditional holiday music stuffed back into the poisonous mistletoe vault, meaning we’ll have to wait nine whole months to hear the same thirty songs sung by the same thirty dead white men. And Nat King Cole.

 

As we throw the last shovel full of dirt on the most festive of seasons and kick the dried- out fir tree to the gutter, it is our self- imposed, public- service task here at Durstco to right the many wrongs perpetrated by the corpulent bearded cisgender male in the scarlet suit on his global flight.

 

Apparently Santa had some holes in his bag and a few folks didn’t receive the gifts they so richly deserved. A little mistake we would like to rectify here with WILL DUR$T’$ AFTER XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T.

 

At least the After- Christmas sales will make the purchasing of said items more bargainy. And by delaying another week or so, we could dovetail into President’s Day sales. What with the government shutdown, every penny saved is a penny earned. Earning a couple hundred or so could buy us a cup of coffee. Not a latte, but still.

 

For Kellyanne Conway: a red, white and blue muzzle.

 

For General James Mattis: an all- expenses paid vacation to the relative calm of Damascus, Syria.

 

For Melania Trump: not a designer coat, but a new coat designer.

 

For Nancy Pelosi: a whip, a gun and a chair.

 

For Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III: a cold dish of revenge.

 

For Sarah Huckabee Sanders: a round- trip ticket on the clue train.

 

For Michael Cohen: a poster to hang in his cell that reads “What Happens in Jersey Stays in Jersey.”

 

For Mitt Romney: a cape and pair of tights to help him single- handedly save the Republican Party.

 

For Kamala Harris: some of Hillary Clinton’s excess testosterone.

 

For Donald Trump and Roseanne Barr: two pairs of those Chinese finger traps for their thumbs.

 

For Ivanka Trump: a fully furnished pied- a- terre in the Seychelles.

 

For Jared Kushner: the same kind of family reverence his father showed his uncle.

 

For Kanye West: a new hat.

 

For Brett Kavanaugh: Clarence Thomas’ primer on how to question Supreme Court litigants.

 

For Mike Pence: a strobe light, so at press conferences, he can at least give the appearance of movement.

 

For Elon Musk: A years’ supply of whatever medicine they give kids with Attention Deficit Disorder.

 

For Bernie Sanders: a series of bushes to lurk behind for the next two years.

 

For Rudy Giuliani: a case of mint- flavored shoelaces for the multiple occasions he puts his foot in his mouth.

 

For Joe Biden: a 55- gallon drum of patience.

 

For Mexican President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador: a wall to control our immigration.

 

For Rachel Maddow: a nice blue sweater.

 

For Ruth Bader Ginsburg: two six- foot spools of industrial strength bubble wrap.

 

And finally for the American People: total gridlock of the 116th Congress. No harm, no foul.

 

Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed journalist and stand up comedian. For info about his new one- man show “Durst Case Scenario” and other fal-de- rol, visit willdurst.com.

 

••• December Issue •••

Monetizing the White House

Money. Moolah. Cash. Dough. Scratch. Dinero. Benjamins. Greenbacks. Cabbage. Lettuce. Gravy. Whatever you call it, nobody ever has enough of it: you, me, poor people, rich people and even, apparently, America.

 

Republican Senator Mitch McConnell says the country needs to slash entitlements because of our huge deficit. What he fails to mention is he’s mostly responsible for that deficit because of the $1.5 trillion corporate tax cut pushed through earlier this year. Kind of like the kid who murders his parents then begs the court for mercy owing to him being an orphan.

 

Of course, now, with a change in the House of Representatives, you got a better chance of a wounded gazelle taking down a pride of lions than getting the Democrats to sign off on cuts to Social Security and Medicare. Unless, of course, it would increase their reelection prospects.

 

Fortunately we have a president who’s good at monetizing things. After all, he ran a string of casinos and hotels and golf courses and beauty pageants and football teams and airlines and universities and made plenty of money, right? With only a couple of bankruptcies. Okay, 6. And a gazillion lawsuits, but still.

 

This nation needs someone who knows how to sell the presidency and the current occupant seems the perfect match. He’s already presented a Medal of Honor to the wife of his largest donor. If the rich are willing to drop big bucks for hunks of metal dangling from ribbons, we should do everything in our power to accommodate them.

 

There’s plenty more ways this Administration can raise money by offering items of interest for which the general public might be willing to cough up hard currency and here are just a few of the more marketable with fancy titles.

 

FIRST LADY MAKE OVER.

An intensive one- hour beauty consultancy with the lovely Melania Knauss Trump.

 

RUMBLE IN THE TRUMPLE.

Presidential son Eric will let you beat him at tic- tac- toe in the lobby of Trump Tower.

 

IMPEACHMENT POOL. A national lottery on what day the House will vote to impeach. Submissions closest to exact vote earn bonuses.

 

BEST FRIENDS FOREVER

High quality limited edition autographed photos of Vladimir Putin riding a horse shirtless. Not very limited.

 

WHY THIS NIGHT IS REALLY DIFFERENT PACKAGE.

Ivanka Trump Kushner will attend your Seder and bring home- made matzo.

 

VICE PRESIDENTIAL SPA.

A soothing back rub from VP Mike Pence. Note: cannot be performed in the presence of a woman.

 

ALTERNATIVE FACTS CAN BE FUN. Kellyanne Conway & Sarah Huckabee Sanders conduct a how- to webinar where they teach students how to dispute commonly held beliefs like gravity and nighttime. Self- delusion a pre- requirement.

 

PARS, PUTTS & PITC ES WITH THE POTUS.

Round of golf with the Leader of the Free World. Mulligans not included.

 

MUNCHING WITH THE MUNCHKIN Don Jr. will provide lunch at same restaurant table he ate with Natalia Veselnitskaya.

 

GRISLY IS AS GRISLY DOES.

Private audio session with Mohammed bin Salman describing the action during Jamal Kashoggi’s “interrogation.”

 

REPRESENTATIVE YOU.

Your very own US Congressional seat. (limited to residents of red states)

 

BOSS TWEETER.

The president of the United States will mention you in a tweet.

 

BOSS SWEETER.

The president of the United States will mention you in a tweet, favorably. Costs just a wee bit more.

 

Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed journalist and stand up comedian. For info about his new one- man show “Durst Case Scenario” and other fal-de- rol, visit willdurst.com.

 

 

••• November Issue •••

Hugging Despots

For some unfathomable reason Donald Trump has worked himself into one heavy- duty lather over dictators. Strongmen. Warlords. Kingpins. His love of tyrants is tremendous. It is amazing. It is huge. The man relishes hugging despots. Vladimir Putin. Rodrigo Duterte. Kim Jon Un. Kanye West.

 

The president backed up his good buddy Mohammed bin Salman who assured him that Saudi Arabia had nothing to do with Jamal Khashoggi’s disappearance from their Istanbul embassy. Not only did the Crown Prince deny any involvement, “it was a forceful denial,” which means it has to be true. How could anybody lie when delivering a forceful denial?

 

The 45th POTUS trusted his pal so much he summoned all his public relations skills to offer up the opinion that the columnist might have been slain by “rogue killers.” Yeah. Sure. That’s it. Or maybe he was consumed by spontaneous combustion. Or struck by an asteroid. No, it was the one- armed man. He got stuck in a cave like that Thai soccer team. Flesh eating bacteria? Could have been another 400- pound fat guy on a couch.

 

We waited breathlessly for the president to rationalize that when it comes to investigative journalists and rogue killers, “you can find good people on both sides.” Surprisingly, he neither tried that or blaming Hillary Clinton.

 

Turkish officials claim to possess evidence that an autopsy specialist transporting a bone saw was among the 15- member Saudi hit team that dismembered and beheaded Khashoggi during an interrogation. Which you might think would hinder the man’s ability to provide answers to specific queries.

 

Over a two week period, the Saudis furnished enough explanations to fill the trunk of a limo with room left over for the dismembered parts of many bodies. “We have no idea what happened.” “He left through the rear entrance.” “He’s fine, just sleepy.” “Fell down during an interrogation and couldn’t get up.” “Accidentally died during a fist fight.”

 

And if that last bit were true, it’s obviously his own damn fault. Only a journalist would get into a fist- fight with 15 guys armed with a bone saw. The man deserved everything he got.

 

Nobody knows how the Turks are aware of this. They too have spun enough tales to bore Scheherazade. First they floated the story that Khashoggi’s own Apple Watch recorded the deadly rumpus, which confused everyone including Apple CEO Tim Cook. The general impression is that there are more bugs in the Saudi Embassy than in the basement of the Smithsonian’s National History Museum.

 

The Saudis promised a thorough and transparent investigation, which is like letting Jeffrey Dahmer find out how that head got in his refrigerator. Finally they said the Washington Post columnist was dead but they didn’t mean to kill him. Some rogue killers got into their embassy and were torturing him when something went awry. Not their fault. Just an attempted rendition that screwed the pooch. Could have happened to any murderous regime.

 

Trump refuses to even consider slapping sanctions on the Saudis because “people are innocent until proven guilty.” This guy sees only what he wants to see, and mostly now he sees hundreds of billions in arm sales. He’s not just myopic, he’s a myopic ostrich, burying his head in the sand. In this case, extremely oil- rich Saudi sand.

 

Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed journalist and stand up comedian. For info about his new one- man show “Durst Case Scenario” and other fal-de- rol, visit willdurst.com.

 

 

 

 

••• October Issue •••

 

HARASSING THE HARASSEE

 

The Brett Kavanaugh Supreme Court confirmation process has stumbled forward like a ten year old pushing a marble pedestal twice his size up a four- story stairwell. You could say that Dr. Christine Blasey Ford’s allegations concerning Kavanaugh have sort of gummed up the proceedings. You could also say that blue meat best not be eaten raw.

 

The doctor claims that 36 years ago when she was a drunken 15 year- old at a high school party in a private residence, the 17 year- old future judge threw her on a bed and covered her mouth to prevent her screaming. He denies everything: being there and/ or knowing the girl. He even tried floating an evil twin theory. The only argument he hasn’t trotted out is the Donald Trump defense, which characterizes the charges as being baseless because she wasn’t pretty enough.

 

The 45th POTUS who nominated him doubts the accusation as well. Then again, he doesn’t believe many women. Not any of the dozen women who accused him of sexual harassment. Not the women who claimed Judge Roy Moore attacked them. Not the other two women who have forward to accuse Kavanaugh. As far as the president is concerned, it’s not a “he- said, she- said,” thing but more of a “he- said, she- lies” deal.

 

A major hitch in the Kavanaugh proceedings is the visual aspect of the Republican majority on the Senate Judiciary Committee. All 11 members are white males. Not just white, but bordering on translucent. Their possible answer to these unfortunate optics is to hire a substitute, probably a female, to ask questions if and when the good doctor testifies. Going straight to the Stunt Surrogate Senator Solution.

 

Overall, the conservative response has been fluid, morphing from “she’s mixed up, it didn’t happen,” to “it might have happened, but it wasn’t that bad,” to “okay, maybe it happened and was bad but its way too late to do anything about it.” The next position will inevitably be: “don’t worry, he’ll be fine ruling on cases from his prison cell.”

 

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell cautioned supporters not to worry about testimony or an investigation because “We will plow right through it” to confirm Kavanaugh as a Supreme. Giving the impression she’s a human speed bump the GOP machine is willing to run right over to reach their conservative agenda. With studded snow tires.

 

Committee chairman Chuck Grassley seems to be in a bit of a rush to confirm Kavanaugh to his lifetime appointment to the highest court of the land. He needs to get this over by the first Monday of October when the new Court convenes, and has arbitrarily imposed made- up deadlines to further harass the person who claims to have been harassed. Because, well, obviously she’s used to it

 

Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed journalist and stand up comedian. For info about his new one- man show “Durst Case Scenario” and other fal-de- rol, visit willdurst.com.

 

••• September Issue •••

 

Battle of the D.C Network Stars

 

The ongoing warfare between Omarosa Manigault- Newman and President Donald Trump is more scarily delicious than an underbaked blueberry muffin covered in strawberry marshmallow sauce and wasabi sprinkles. This DC Battle of the Network Stars is escalating into mouth- to- mouth combat between the Master of Sleazy Opportunism and his star pupil. “Take the pebble from my hand, grasshopper. Hey, put the knife down. Oww.”

 

Working with the Donald for 10 years and being fired 4 times by him has certainly taught the lady a thing or two. She’s the Frankenstein monster that he and reality television created. An intern who perfected the same kind of oblivious character assassination and complete lack of moral integrity as the Aerodynamic Coif himself. She has out- trumped Trump. He must be so proud.

 

After she revealed secretly recorded conversations including her own firing in the Situation Room, the president called Omarosa a lowlife and a dog. Live by the scheming treachery, die by the scheming treachery. All this is detailed in her book about her time with the president, with the understated title of “Unhinged.” The next book will be called “Crackers and Nuts.”

 

Trump’s lawyers contend she signed a non- disclosure agreement and have threatened to sue. But legal scholars argue she didn’t work for him, she worked for the American people and NDAs are not applicable or enforceable. And considering the multitudes of officials who’ve already left, negative books are going to rain down on this administration like an avalanche of righteous bile. When Dorothy was in Oz and said “people come and go so quickly here,” she might have been talking about the 45th POTUS’s White House.

 

The New York Times reports Ms. Manigault- Newman may have 200 other tapes and claims to be able to get her hands on the legendary recording of the New York City real estate developer casually tossing around the N’ word on the set of “The Apprentice.” Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders said she can’t guarantee there’s not a tape of Trump using racial slurs. And when SHS starts distancing herself from the boss, it’s time to hunker down deep enough to feel the heat of hell on your backside.

 

America doesn’t need a secret tape to tell us that Trump is a racist. His birther stance, statements after Charlottesville and lifetime of actions are proof of that. Then again, even if a tape does surface, his supporters wouldn’t care. They’d rationalize that its okay for him to use the N’ word because he was just quoting rap lyrics. “Eddie Murphy made a career out of it.”

 

Trump distracted non- stop coverage of his former aide’s charges by stripping former CIA Director John Brennan of his security clearance and the Washington Post reports he has plans to cancel the clearances of other critics to distract the media during unfavorable news cycles. So, in the next year, expect approximately 365 security clearances to be revoked.

 

But the prospect of further White House recordings has staffers trembling like a hyperactive weasel with eczema sliding down a ski jump. They routinely hear so much horrible stuff at work, who can be entirely positive they didn’t pull a Billy Bush and sycophantically agree with something absolutely dreadful said by someone else? Trump’s best people best be terrified.

 

 

Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed journalist and stand up comedian. For info about his new one- man show “Durst Case Scenario” and other fal-de- rol, visit willdurst.com.

 

••• July 2018 Issue •••

 

The Loudest Holiday.

Hey everybody; you know all that anxiety that’s been building up? Well, just let it go and relax now, because the 4th of July is here. The Great American Holiday. The one with the noise and the colors and the hot. Now, it is summer. That’s what the 4th is. Not just the day we celebrate the anniversary of the birth of the best country in the history of the world but also the heart of the season of light.

 

No matter what the astronomers tell us, it’s not the solstice that signifies the beginning of our season of mayhem. Not in America. Its 0704, thirteen days later, when kids run amuck while parents drink beer out of cans and fall off of patio furniture. When families squeeze into minivans and travel long distances to get into fights over the logistics of eating fries at Mickey D’s and burgers at the King.

 

It’s when the senses are heightened. The smell of cut grass, the grip of a pair of sneakers, the sound of children playing volleyball on the beach, the tickle of butter from a roasted cob of corn dripping all the way down your arm to the elbow. The thunk of a Frisbee on the back of the head. The piercing cry of a loved one as they discover sand in the bed.

 

It’s a holiday that transcends normal political persuasions; a frozen moment in time when white wine sipping, NPR listening, Prius driving, Birkenstock wearing hippies stand shoulder to shoulder with country western listening, pickup truck driving, cowboy boot wearing, Coors Lite chugging rednecks, both groups clutching tiny American flags in a small town square watching a parade of bicycles with red, white and blue bunting woven through the spokes.

 

It’s beauty queens waving from the back seats of convertibles. And kids swinging on a tire tied to a tree over the bank of a pond. Slip and slides. Burnt marshmallows. Not getting dark til nine. It’s people deciding that any piece of clothing they can squeeze into, fits.

 

It’s the loudest holiday as well with marching bands and fireworks and the sizzle of burger fat dripping on the coals. The tinny mantra of a baseball game on an AM radio, wafting down from a porch. Motorcycles revving down the highway in packs. Politicians barking new promises through old bullhorns.

 

Have yourself one heck of a terrific summer and make it last. Swim and swing and swoon. Take long walks on unfamiliar paths. Buy a new chaise lounge. Watch or better yet, play a game of slow pitch softball. Char some flesh, either animal or your own or both.

 

Make sure you find time for a little bit of fun, because it won’t be long before we’re back at each other’s throats. You know, like Thursday the 5th. The same day the back- to- school sales start and all the sports channels start promoting football.

 

And have a happy birthday America, you great- looking country, you. May be going through a tough patch here. But you know what they say; tough times never last, but tough countries do. And you probably hear this a lot but you still look pretty good considering you’re 242 years old. Could use a little work around the eyes. Then again, couldn’t we all

 

Copyright © 2018, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former waiter at Dante’s Sea Catch on Pier 39 in San Francisco, California. For past columns, commentaries and a calendar of personal appearances, please visit willdurst.com.

 

••• June 2018 Issue •••

Many Further Questions.

 

Robert Mueller has many questions for the president. The New York Times released a list of 49 for which Donald Trump hopefully has answers that can assist the special counsel’s investigation into Russian interference during the 2016 election. Although the New York City real estate developer may know nothing at all. A situation many folks say… chances are high.

 

The president has announced various positions on the potential interview. One: he looks forward to testifying under oath. Two: he will refuse to answer and plead the 5th Amendment to protect against self- incrimination. Three: something in between which could include ignoring a subpoena and/ or refusing to admit the existence of anybody who may or may not be named Mueller.

 

His lawyers have voiced similar diverse opinions. Some maintain he should testify and get it over with and others warn he’s walking into a perjury trap. Which, experience tells us, to the 45th POTUS, is any question asked, especially under oath.

 

It may very well turn out that the only time Trump told the truth in public was when he said if we voted for Hillary, we’d end up with a president under criminal investigation. Sure enough, a plurality of the country voted for Hillary and now the president is under criminal investigation. “Lock him up.”

 

Nobody’s sure who leaked the list to the press. At this point, it’s all guesswork. Perhaps Mister Special Counsel himself, or someone in or near the White House? The assignment editor at MSNBC? A disgruntled craft services worker from the National Review? Melania? Unnamed sources are blaming well -placed insiders.

 

And why was the list leaked? To lower expectations, raise them, lull participants to sleep? Is this a double blind or major feint or are they letting the Commander- in- Chief know the nature of the questions to give him time to construct alibis and motivations other than furthering his own future and fortune?

 

Mostly, the questions sound like typical prosecutorial gobbledy- gook. “Who? What? Where? Why? When? Hunh?” “What were you thinking when whatisname did the thing with the guy at the place?”

 

None of the preview inquiries mention Russian hookers, so, obviously it’s not a complete list. And in the spirit of helping, we here at Durstco have come up with a few more questions that should be asked because inquiring minds want to know.

 

• Is Stephen Miller the result of an Army- science breeding program that mated rabid wolverines with poisonous fungus?

 

•What’s the deal with your hair?

 

•In your estimation, who has the more annoying mustache: Ty Cobb or John Bolton?

 

•What are the chances Dennis Rodham will be appointed ambassador to North Korea?

 

•What was Stormy Daniels like in bed?

 

•Was Rudy Giuliani trying to help? Isn’t adding him to your legal team like throwing a hippopotamus onto a trapeze team?

 

•How are things with Melania? Any truth to the rumor that all the knives have been removed from the East Wing?

 

•How come your ties hang down to your knees? Is it a peripheral vision thing?

 

•Is Corey Lewandowski your love child?

 

•Have you ever seen Mike Pence exhibit an actual pulse or is he the product of reverse taxidermy?

 

•Was James Comey’s freakishly large hands one of the reasons you fired him?

 

Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed journalist and stand up comedian. For info about his new one- man show “Durst Case Scenario” and other fal-de- rol, visit willdurst.com.

 

••• May 2018 Issue •••

STORM WARNING.

You don’t need a weatherman to see that the storm clouds gathering around Team Trump are serious. And since the only permanent member of Team Trump is The Donald himself, this squall is shooting straight down Pennsylvania Avenue, with that hard- candy shell of a hair- helmet above the chair behind the desk in the Oval Office, square in its crosshairs.

 

The tempest is dark and swirly with fierce offshore winds like one of those Nor’Easters that’s ravaged New England the last couple months. Several systems of individual flurries have begun to merge, taking on bulk and velocity, threatening to escalate into one of those upper echelon categories of blizzards.

 

The kind with golf- ball sized hail that leaves dimples on car hoods and white- out conditions shutting down interstates. And American radar models forecast enough downpours to bury the president up to his ears. The European models indicate a larger depth.

 

The barometer is dropping precipitously on several fronts. Bimbo Eruptions multiply like thunderheads on a midwestern summer afternoon including one suspiciously named Stormy. Raising the sticky question of whether paying to kill a salacious story constitutes illegal campaign contributions or just being real smart.

 

The recent raid on the offices of Trump’s longtime personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, which seized records and perhaps recordings, has staffers quivering like a shaved poodle duct- taped to the foul pole of Wrigley Field during a night game in April. Nobody knows what sort of shenanigans Cohen was up to, but everyone suspects he is a consigliere with secrets. Fredo’s consigliere.

 

Former FBI Director James Comey’s new book calls The Great Pretender not just a liar, but an orange unethical dangerous Mob Boss liar with baby hands. The President, in response, tweeted that the professional Boy Scout from the Justice Department is a “leaker and a liar” and a “slimeball.” Not an epithet normally heard coming from the highest office in the land.

 

That’s right, the guy who paid a porn star $130,000 to keep quiet about the affair they had while his third wife was pregnant, called someone else a “slimeball.” Which is like a hooker calling the queen a whore. Or Martin Shkreli complaining he’s being gouged at the prison commissary. Shouting that the other guy has dust on his lapels from the middle of a pig- sty.

 

And although his sentence was commuted by George W Bush, Scooter Libby was never pardoned for his convictions of perjury, obstruction of justice and lying to the FBI. So perhaps President Trump remedied that situation as a signal to his associates that he doesn’t think these crimes are very important. Wink- wink, nudge- nudge. “Don’t worry boys. I got your back, your front and your sides.”

 

His own party is pulling out the bullet- proof umbrellas. Fearing a blue wave the size of a nuclear- powered tsunami, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan didn’t just ditch the ship but the pier and the entire harbor itself.

 

And slowly riding in on the horizon… Mueller is coming. Mueller is coming! And it can’t be too comforting that special prosecutor Robert Mueller bears a slight resemblance to the Night King from Game of Thrones. Right about now Donald Trump might be best served by looking for a fire- breathing dragon. Maybe that’s what John Bolton is for.

 

Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed journalist and stand up comedian. For info about his new one- man show “Durst Case Scenario” and other fal-de- rol, visit willdurst.com.

••• March 2018 Issue •••

The Cafeteria Lady Is Packing Heat.

 

President Donald Trump tossed out some wacky nonsense about arming teachers which encouraged the press and public to go nuts debating this ludicrous suggestion, totally ignoring commonsense remedies like banning civilians from purchasing weapons whose sole function is to kill the most people in the shortest time. The man is not as dumb as he looks, which at last count was considerable.

 

That was just one of the president’s multiple responses to the latest in a distressing series of school shootings. He was all over the map like a class of apprentice cartographers in the belly of a garbage scow during a category 4 typhoon.

 

First he said we should arm teachers, then yelled at the mainstream media for saying he said we should arm teachers, then he said we shouldn’t just give teachers guns, but bonuses. And snacks. Not rulers. Or pencils. Stationary targets, yes. Stationery, no.

 

During a listening session with relatives and survivors of various school massacres he was photographed carrying a cheat sheet reminding him to say “I hear you.” His staff is apparently aware that hearing people in a listening session is not his first instinct. Listen, is what people do to him, not he to them.

 

Trump also promised to focus on mental health issues, forgetting that one of his first moves as POTUS was erasing rules that restricted some mentally ill from purchasing firearms. Like Germany complaining they don’t have any decent Jewish delis anymore.

 

“Now is not the time to politicize the gun issue.” Why is the time to talk about guns always later? “Now?” “No, later.” “Now?” “No, later.” And repeat. Now is the time to talk about mental health issues. Voting to fund programs to deal with those issues is a different story.

 

The NRA says the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. The problem with good guys with guns is a lot of them believe in that whole “kill ‘em all and let god sort ‘em out” school of thought. Except that security guard outside the Parkland, Florida high school.

 

Giving guns to teachers, what a great idea. Probably cut down on tardiness, note passing and backtalk as well, not to mention making faculty meetings and parent teacher conferences a lot more interesting. The penalty for truancy is a flesh wound.

 

As with most of 45’s ideas, details were murky, but this plan could easily lead to arming janitors, crossing guards and cafeteria ladies. Although many would argue that school lunches were already weaponized during the Reagan Administration.

 

Besides, 20% of American teachers equals 700,000 people. Do they all get the same gun? Would these teachers going heavy be appointed or volunteers? Or would most folks offered guns spontaneously develop bone spurs like somebody else we know?

 

Think back: how many of your high school teachers would you have confidently armed? The ex- Marine wrestling coach? The English teacher who spaced out during John Keats’ “Ode on a Grecian Urn?” The librarian regularly hitting her flask behind the stacks? Sister Mary Uzi?

 

And you do realize that once teachers start carrying Roscoes, it’s only a matter of time before kids themselves feel the need to start packing. “I’m going to study hall. Cover me.”

 

 

Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed journalist and stand up comedian. For info about his new one- man show “Durst Case Scenario” and other fal-de- rol, visit willdurst.com.

 

 

••• February 2018 Issue •••

REIGN OF ERROR.

It’s been quite a year. The exact reverse of that whole “time flies when you’re having fun” thing. These last twelve months have slogged by like cold molasses riddled with bat guano dripping through a tightly woven bamboo sieve. Seems like decades since Donald Trump became the 45th President of the United States. Shouldn’t he be termed out by now?

 

After a mere 12 months, his problems have stacked up like a bouquet of bombs from the Acme Co. being wafted aloft by helium balloons approaching an archery range for easily distracted pre- teens. Anybody who watched the televised White House bipartisan meeting can tell you the former reality TV star exhibits a mastery of his office on the level of a duck- billed platypus playing a harpsichord.

 

His administration has been marked by division, derision, indecision and a distinct lack of supervision. Confusion, seclusion, delusion & collusion. Lazy, hazy, crazy: cheesy, sleazy, wheezy, breezy and enough turmoil to make the entire world both uneasy and/ or a little queasy.

 

During the first 365 days of Dopey Donald’s Reign of Error, we have survived an unending stream of blatant lies, graphic insults, myopic intransigence, illiterate cluelessness, overt racism, monumental chaos, nuclear intimidation and a general coarsening of the culture to where the evangelical community is forced to reconcile a porn star payoff with its own staggering sense of self righteousness. Futilely.

 

In the recent book, “Fire and Fury,” author Michael Wolff intimated that 100% of White House insiders believe their boss is a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic if you catch his drift. The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead. Snuck into the gene pool while the lifeguard was chatting up the girl who runs the hot dog stand. Has the same mental capacity that God gave a bucket of hair.

 

Then, as if to stamp the book with his own fuzzy seal of approval, the former New York City real estate developer demonstrated that no matter how many allies he antagonizes, family members he insults, staffers he impugns, fellow Republicans he alienates, or conventions he flaunts, his own worst enemy remains… himself.

 

Attempting to stem backlash from Wolff’s book, the president tweeted, (and these are quotes) that he is “like, really smart.” And a “stable genius.” A statement that most experts interpret as meaning he’s really good with horse manure. Which probably comes in handy when interacting with Sloppy Steve Bannon.

 

Trump also twisted himself into a rhetorical battle with Kim Jong Un over whose nuclear button is bigger. When we all know it has to be Ivanka’s dad, who needs the larger expanse to accommodate his diminutive hands. These two should be locked into a cell on an abandoned freighter in the South Pacific so that they can measure and get it over with.

 

Then the brief government shut down precipitated an eruption of the Blame Game that witnessed both Republicans and Democrats flinging mud at each other with so much excess hitting the president, many referees questioned the actual target.

 

Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell said “I’m looking for something the president supports” making it sound like a mythical beast. Less unicorn- more dodo bird. And all this has gone down in the first three weeks of 2018. Fasten your seat belts folks, it’s going to be a bumpy year.

 

Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed journalist and stand up comedian. For info about his new one- man show “Durst Case Scenario” and other fal-de- rol, visit willdurst.com.

 

 

 

Go to willdurst.com for more of columns

 

 

 

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